Establishing your guest list is one of the earliest wedding planning tasks you’ll need to complete, and it is also one of the trickiest.
You need to do it as far in advance as possible as you’ll need to have an estimated number of guests when booking your venue and enquiring with suppliers like caterers.
But how do you go about choosing your guests without hurting too many feelings or creating tension?
Here are some tips:
Start by drawing up a list and add everyone you want to have there if there were no limits on space or finances. We recommend that each of you have an idea of your individual desired guest list going into this so you can work together to create one master list.
While making this list it may be a good idea to include some important pieces of information to the list such as a:
These may help you narrow down the list quicker later on and also see who you need more information for/from.
Another way to help quickly narrow down the list is to assign each relationship tag a priority rating. For example, priority A = family and close friends while priority B = family friends and partners.
Make your list look fun by colour coding each guests’ categories as you have defined them to make looking for certain people easier.
If you are a little extra and you want to go all out, add a notes section for each guest/guest group for things like known dietary and medical requirements, etc.
Before we go any further, we need to emphasise that this part of the planning may require quite a bit of sacrifice due to space and finances as well as comprise and understanding between you and your partner.
Once you have your master list, it is time to begin the purge. So, where do you start? At the top – who are your nearest and dearest? The people who you would not be able to image celebrating this day without? Those are the people that make it onto the “immunity from elimination” list.
Most people will prioritise family members and close or long-standing friendships here but the general rule of thumb is to follow your gut as to who you absolutely have to have celebrating with you on the day.
Weddings get expensive, quickly. You need to be honest with yourself, each other, and within the family about what’s within your means. This will help guide you in setting a realistic guest count.
So, why does the guest count impact your budget? There are a few reasons, the biggest being:
So, it is important then to only invite the number of people you intend to or can pay for.
Remember to keep in mind any additional limitations you have aside from budget such as venue space, if you took a package deal for a certain number of guests, etc.
Sometimes, the parents of the bride and groom get to have their say when it comes to the guest list. If they are contributing financially, this is only fair. Your family members may also remember someone important that has slipped your mind in the planning stress.
Collaboration can help make things a little easier, although it can also sometimes make things a little confusing, but it can be a necessary part of planning.
It’s best for you and your partner to know what you want first before taking the matter to each of your families respectively. That way if there is anyone you need to include or exclude specifically; you’ll be on the same page about it.
General advice on splitting the guest count is a little divided but there are two common splits used:
1 third to your guests, 1 third to your partners, 1 third to share for both sets of parents
How to calculate: guest count ¸ 3 = portion per party
150 guests ¸ 3 = 50 guests each
Half of the guest list for you and your partners guest, and a quarter for each set of parents
How to calculate: guest count ¸ 2 = half of the guest count (yours and your partners portion); half the guest count ¸ 2 = quarter of the guest count (parents’ portions)
150 guests ¸ 2 = 75 guests (yours and your partners portion)
75 ¸ 2 = 37.5 guests each (parents’ portions)
*because this is an odd number, we recommend shifting guests to making it even so you as a couple in this example will have 76 guests, and each set of parents will have 37 guests to work with.
Realistic and appropriate guidelines for attending the wedding are important. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic it was important for a lot of couples to have their guests wear masks. Guests who weren’t comfortable with this didn’t attend.
You as a couple should decide if you have any boundaries while making a guest list as these may already exclude certain people from joining in on the celebration. These also refer to behaviour on the day of.
We all have a family member or friend (hopefully not both or a few of each) who can get a bit unruly at events. That may not be something you want at your wedding; we advise you either chat with them and/or others close to them to ensure this doesn’t happen the day of.
You may also want to consider hiring some extra hands or chatting to your venue about what can be done should things go awry.
‘Elimination rules’ refer to a standardised set of criteria that will remove someone from the guest list. When removing people, it is best to remain as fair as possible. This will help avoid tension and hurt feelings.
Some examples of elimination rules include:
The quickest way to cut your guest count is to say no children and no plus-ones. However, this can sometimes be a bit harsh. Again, when it comes to children and plus-ones you have to be consistent in who you allow to come.
Large families can have a lot of children and children need to be supervised which can take away from the celebrations. Also, what could be more boring for a child that sitting through a ceremony they don’t really understand and can’t do anything through?
It is okay to want a child free wedding. You may have guests who won’t come because of it but this is a boundary of yours. If someone wants to come but does have small children, your venue may have babysitting services available for you to use at additional costs. Be sure to check in with them on their policies.
We recommend you set a cut off age to apply across the board, such as “no one under 18” or whatever you feel will suit your wedding the best.
This can be a bit of a delicate topic; how do you distinguish who can and can’t bring a partner? Unfortunately, there is no ‘one size fits all approach’ to this dilemma. Most people will prioritise serious, stable, or long-term relationships over newer, less serious, or erratic ones.
Other people will go based on relationship status – dating, engaged, married. Or a combination of both. You can also choose to eliminate plus-ones all together. You and your partner need to decide where the line sits and let everyone know.
Some points to consider in setting your guideline(s):
Remember to decide on your rules for and include a note on people who are single when they RSVP but enter into a relationship leading up to the wedding.
You will always get some ‘no’ RSVPs. That’s okay, life is busy for people and you’ve just freed up some of your budget for other things. On average, most wedding will have up to about 85% of your guests RSVP “Yes”; it is not always the case and your wedding may end up a bit sparsely populated.
While a lot of people have a B list, it is a hugely controversial sentiment within the wedding industry. It can become exceptionally obvious to those on this list they didn’t make the cut initially and are a second choice. Especially if it is not handled correctly.
This is an easy way to hurt feelings because it is difficult to keep the A list and B list from interacting, timing the invites correctly, etc. We have some suggestions on how to make and handle a B-list.
However, if there are a few people who didn’t quite make it because of size restrictions and there are some no RSVPs that open up some spaces for them; then a B list may be an idea.
Read our suggestions on getting your guests to RSVP on time here.
These will vary region to region but are an overall average indication of wedding sizes.
We ran our own Instagram pole and according to South Africans:
It is almost impossible to plan a wedding guest list without rumpling some feathers, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Just try your best to approach the situation with grace.
Don’t forget to add all your guests to your Happly guest list and setup your save the dates, invites, and wedding websites and get sending!
Happly is coming soon, be the first to sign up when we launch!
